So I was going to do one of those 2008 in review things, except I was trying to use old livejournal entries and I discovered I only had one or two entries every month. So it wasn't very helpful and I only really remember significant things. I don't really want to remember it though, since not much good actually happened and it mostly just got worse as the year went on. So I'm not going to think about that.

What I am going to think about is how I changed over the year. I'm a less optimistic person than I was before. I don't care about much like I did before, although that might be a result of being a senior. I've mostly become a person I don't like. At all. I can never do what is expected of me, no matter how hard I try, and I feel like everything I've done over the past couple of the years has been a waste of my time because no one is ever satisfied with what I do. I hate when I whine but I find myself doing it more and more often. The world just seems to be a more evil place every day and it makes me upset.

So I have to try and make this year a better year. It's weird because this is the year we've been waiting for for as long as I can remember. Mike is going to be gone for six months and it's going to be awful. I'm hoping that I can force myself to repair the relationships I've ruined by being too busy and antisocial. I have to make it through the rest of my senior year in post. The only reason I'm even there is to fill the position I was elected to and to be on call because I still want to be able to do things for people. I can't stand the people or the events or the drama or any of it. So I'm just going to stay out of it as much as I can and still do what I have to. I want to be more optimistic so the world doesn't look so dark and evil. Most of all I want to be a happy person. I doubt that's ever going to happen. At least content would be good. I want to be a good person, not someone people don't want to be around or associate with.

I listed ten resolutions in my real journal, but I should put them here too I suppose. The gist of them is that I want to be more organized and motivated and healthy and I want to get things done. So I have to become that way.

I hope you all are well. Happy new year.

It's strange how as you grow older, you learn that things aren't as they always seemed to be. You may have been told one story, when in actuality it goes much, much deeper. And then apparently you can handle more when you're older, so that's when people decide to tell you the truth.

No matter how many things that make the world seem like a dark and evil place, I want to believe otherwise. I want to believe there is some peace in the world, no matter how hard it is to find. That no matter how bad things may get, there is some good. The world needs hope for the future, and there isn't much of that anymore.

Anyway, Christmas. I got lovely things. Mostly books that I wanted, 5 CDs which was nice considering I needed more music, Wii games and our new Wii, new Kingdom Hearts, money, and other random things. I got a lot of food this year. I wish I could have faked happy a little better. Not that I didn't appreciate everything. I just feel bad when I don't get all excited when I open presents from people. Hopefully they know I just don't do that kind of thing. Because I really do love everything I received.

I hope that when I'm a parent and I have my own kids that they can have a whole Christmas. They won't be spoiled by tons of gifts but they'll actually be able to understand the love and the faith and the real meaning behind it.

I need to stop acting like my life is going to fall apart when you leave. Because I know it isn't. Sometimes I wonder if I'm more afraid of being fine without you here than I'm worried about not being fine. As if it would mean we mean less to each other than I convince myself that we do. Unfortunately I don't think there's any way of figuring it out right now..

My sleep schedule is so off right now that I am currently making myself dinner.. I hope it isn't like this all vacation because then I sleep all day. Normally I can prevent myself from having such an awful schedule but since we didn't have school Friday I ended up sleeping all day by accident after staying up late doing homework. And then there's the fact that I don't have any particular desire to associate with the rest of the planet at the moment, so I might as well be up by myself.

So the only college I've heard from so far is Boston College, and I got deferred to regular admission. Some of my friends think I'm nuts for being happy about that but whatever. I never thought they would even consider me, seeing as my grades are less than fantastic and everything. I don't really even care if they deny me; knowing that a school like that would even consider me is enough to make me feel like I actually accomplished something after torturing myself for the past (almost) four years. Plus my first choice school is Providence.

I need to accept that I can't change what people are going to do with their lives, no matter how sure I am that they are doing the wrong thing. And that I can't try and hold on to things that are no longer there, or won't be there much longer. In a few months we'll all be leaving each other, and I have to be ready for that when it happens.

when i leave for college i am never coming back.

so at the beginning of this week, i had a calculus test and project due. then i had a physics project and lab due yesterday, with a test on top of that. and i was like hey guess what i'm faking sick on thursday. except then i ended up actually getting sick instead. it wasn't the kind of sick i normally get, but i was sleeping every day after school and getting really behind in my work, and i had a headache, and i just couldn't focus because i was so tired, and so i didn't go to school yesterday and slept until 2 instead. i ended up having a fever, but ibuprofen made it go away, and so i finished my physics project at like 4 in the morning so alayna could hand it in even though i didn't go to school. and i pretty much just slept. i feel a lot better now, and i was supposed to go christmas shopping today, but there's no way my mother is going to let me after all the school i missed. so i'm probably going to do some cleaning and get the calculus done that i was too tired to do all week.

being sick is kind of nice in a way though because it gave me a chance to relax and get sleep and let my body repair all the damage i probably caused. i don't think i even really had a disease or anything it was probably just like exhaustion or something. every time i get sick i feel really motivated and energetic afterward since i'm like "rejuvenated" or whatever. i don't even have plans this weekend >_< but that's okay since i have loads to do.

i still don't know what i'm buying people for christmas! slash how i'm going to afford it! i'm going to be such a loser over christmas break i'm going to sit at home and play video games the whole time. but it's not my fault. because kingdom hearts is coming out, so i'm going to have to play at LEAST the first game again, then the new one, and then maybe the kingdom hearts 2. but i'll also have to use my wii which i am getting for christmas (^_^) and it's just going to be stressful deciding what to use. but it's all good.

there are certain things i'm just tired of putting effort into. sometimes you reach a certain point where you can't waste anymore time trying to make something work.

LOVE.

the new kingdom hearts came out yesterday and i want it.. except i'll have to wait until christmas. i also have to wait until christmas for my wii =(.

i wish i cared about school. unfortunately, it doesn't appear to be happening any time soon. even calculus, which i'd been trying in, is becoming increasingly difficult to try in. and we have a project due on friday that i haven't started =/

i am completely obsessed with fushigi yuugi genbu kaiden. i told myself i wouldn't read the translations online, and i would wait until the next manga came out, except then the next day i read them online. it's kind of ridiculous though that it takes over a year for them to be published in america. which is why it is necessary that i learn japanese in college. except stupid providence doesn't have japanese classes. but i'll figure something out. (assuming they even accept me, of course..)

3 weeks until christmas break! not that i even have anything to do, but anything is better than school.

there is a less than jake concert on my birthday and i want to go. even though i'm kind of over the ska thing, it's my birthday.

collegecollegecollege. it's hard sometimes to remember that college is not the most important thing in the entire world.

the last two weeks have been absolutely dreadful, especially in terms of school. this coming week won't be any better seeing as it's the last week of the quarter and all my teachers are making us take tests. also, i am going to fail calculus.

i want to play kingdom hearts because it has been eons since i've played it. i also need to play final fantasy except i was in the mood for kingdom hearts this weekend so i brought it to my dad's house with me. i want to get these stupid college applications done with so i can go back to doing what i want to do with my weekends.

i'm trying to give you room to breathe because it's what i needed. but you can't keep coming closer and then walking away. it's not fair.

so i totally understand why durfee gets frustrated at vocal ensemble all the time. band too, but vocal ensemble was worse because it was my responsibility to make them sing and such. i don't really have much hope for band this year. everything is just absolute chaos. and the band room is too small to fit the whole band.

yesterday was a very busy day. first thing in the morning after getting pretty much no sleep was sats. and of course it was the first day that my car decided to be frozen so far this year. but it was okay. i think i did worse this time but whatever it's not like my scores were bad before. then i brought amanda and amanda to kmart to buy movie candy and then subway. then we all went home and got ready in like five minutes and had to leave again to take pictures at target. my friends and i are slobs and got professional pictures done of our little group thing. it was nice though because it was like $4 for a sheet instead of grynn and barrett that charges like a million dollars per picture. after that we went to friday's and spent like a hundred dollars and then went to see nick and norah's infinite playlist. that movie was fantastic, by the way. it was wicked random and i wish there had been more music things in it, but it was lovely.

i wish it was november because then i can have twilight and mayday parade within a week of each other =D and also my college applications will be done. hopefully.

senioritis is awful. i didn't think it would happen to me but unfortunately has. and it's even worse than regular procrastination because i don't really have much desire to try.

hope you all are well.

yesterday i went to providence with jessica, amanda p, and amanda k and we looked at providence college. it was lovely. it was a lot different than when i went to clark, because i could not picture myself at clark. part of me hopes jessica and i end up at the same school and part of me doesn't. it would be great to have someone where i go that i know, but at the same time it's the part of my life where i really have to force myself to go out on my own. but i also don't think it would be too much of an issue because we both know what we need to do to make things work out and what's best for ourselves.

we also saw motion city soundtrack and chiodos at lupo's. it much nicer than the webster, not that that's hard to do, and it looked a lot like the palladium except nicer and a little bit bigger. i don't like chiodos but it was still fun because we almost died in a mosh pit and amanda k lost her shoes because she's retarded and wore flip flops. some random boy saved me though which was very nice of him. except i got sweated all over which was gross. motion city was good though and it was fun and amanda and jessica even enjoyed them.

umm still not sure exactly what i'm currently doing with my life. i've been having to be in charge of vocal ensemble because durfee got his tonsils out and so he's not here for over a week. it's awful and everyone is annoying and i know they all hate that we have to practice even when he's not here and it's a failure but they won't say anything because they think it would be mean. which it would be, because i really am doing the best i can when we're only a month into school and don't know the music yet.

in general i feel better every day.